At Northwest NC Families, we know how important it is to reframe negative self talk into positive self-talk. Everyone has an internal dialogue circulating their mind. Sometimes we express our self-talk aloud verbally for all to hear, but it is often simply thoughts that go on in our psyche. The way we speak to ourselves in the silence of our minds impacts how we feel about ourselves and our ability to show up each day and do our best.

As we raise a new generation of healthy, content kids, teaching them to reframe negative self-talk into positive self talk is essential in building self-confidence and self-esteem.

Teaching ourselves to speak kindly to others is much easier than learning to speak kindly to ourselves. We compiled a list of four guidelines to approach reframing negative self-talk and negative language in children at any age.

Reframe Negative Self-Talk by Easing Their Frustration

One of the reasons children express negative self-talk so openly is because they have reached the frustration level and are feeling overwhelmed. We do the same thing as adults when we get beyond frustrated. They may say:

• I’m horrible at everything!
• I’m no good at this!
• I mess up everything I try!

Hearing these comments is heartbreaking because if they are verbalizing this, what must they feel inside?

Instead of letting a child wallow into self-destruction, calmly point out that what they are saying is not a fact. You can even explain the difference between fact and fiction: doing something incorrectly once might be a fact, but being horrible at everything is fiction. Discuss their strengths and positive traits, showing that one mistake cannot take away those positives. Once they are in a calmer headspace, remind them that you are here to support them and help them get better at anything they want to try. You can even plan out ways to help them avoid the same mistake next time.

Reframe Negative Self-Talk with Humor

Finding the strength to laugh out our missteps is a great way to teach kids that it is okay to make a mistake. Pull in examples from your childhood or simple examples from a recent mistake you made as an adult and help them smile about your error. Look for a gentle way to encourage a smile or giggle about their mistake without diminishing their feelings of frustration and overwhelm.

Talk to them about how you worked through your mistake, let them guess what you did, and break down each step you took to right the wrong. Work through the same process for your child’s mistake and help them say out loud: “I can do this!” or “It may take me a bit longer, but I will get this done right!”

Build a Healthy Mindset with Goal Setting

Something magical happens when you write your goals down on paper. You breathe life into abstract thoughts and show a commitment to working towards your desired outcome.

Dr. Gail Matthews, a psychology professor at the Dominican University in California, completed a study on goal-setting with almost 270 people participating in the research. The results demonstrated that a person is 42 percent more likely to achieve their goals if they write them down.

Work with your child to discover their goals and break them into small, achievable steps. Ask your child to write down their goal and each step they can take to achieve that goal and display it in a prominent place where they can easily reach it. As they complete each action item, encourage them to mark it off!

Successful people frequently set goals and update them throughout the year, so having children do this once a month or once a week is a great way to focus their attention on small movements forward, their growth, and positive accomplishments along the way.

Eliminate Negative Language to Boost Positive Self-Talk

You can apply a little role-playing to help your child think about the negative words they say to themselves. Use their favorite stuffed animal, an imaginary friend, or a hypothetical situation with their real-life best friend. Ask them if they would say those specific negative words or phrases to someone they love if they made the same mistake. The answer will most likely be a confident “no,” so you can encourage them to talk to themselves like they would a friend they love.

Think through the different negative language you hear your child use towards themselves and ask them how they would feel if a bully used those words towards their best friend. These words could look like:

• Can’t
• Won’t
• Nobody
• Nothing
• No
• Not
• Horrible
• Sad
• Stupid
• Fail
• Impossible

Brainstorm words they would say to their friends to encourage them after hearing these negative words and help them connect the dots about using kind words when they speak to themselves. You can use the concept of “bullying language” and help them combat being a bully to themselves.

Encourage Daily Positive Affirmations

The more positive language your child uses, the less negative self-talk will occur. Work together with your child to come up with daily positive affirmations that they can repeat or write down throughout the day. You can get creative and figure out what works best for your family. Some families like to write these affirmations down on Post-its you can stick around the house for your child to look at, others will write them on napkins they put in their lunch boxes, or some take five minutes to sit together and repeat these affirmations. Using any of these tactics, or creating your own, in your daily life will help you reframe negative self-talk with your child. Here are some examples:

• “I am proud of myself!”
• “I am perfect just the way I am!” 🙂
• “I have a big heart!”
• “I can achieve anything I set my mind to!”
• “I am grateful for my family!”

Reach out to the Positive Parenting Professionals 

We encourage our kids to ask for help when they need it, so let’s lead by example! Contact Northwest NC Families and connect with a Triple P provider to work with your family on how to reframe negative self-talk. Triple P is a positive parenting program and family support system designed to help all families with kids between 0 and 18-years-old. Northwest NC Families works with Triple P providers in Northwestern North Carolina counties that are ready to work with your family online or in-person, depending upon your needs.

Other Resources

Are you interested in learning more about ways to reframe negative self-talk? Check out this list of books and see if any pique you or your child’s interest. They are a great starting point! From there, check with your local libraries (Watauga, Avery, Ashe, Wilkes) to see if these particular books are available to check out.

The Boy with Big, Big Feelings by Britney Winn Lee

How to Get Unstuck from the Negative Muck by Lake Sullivan

Taste Your Words by Bonnie Clark

Your Thoughts Matter by Esther Pia Cordova